A New Heart and a New Stomach

When I began really walking this road, I went to the Gospel Coalition's Women's Conference.  We spent the weekend studying Deuteronomy.  In Deuteronomy, the circumcision of the heart comes up:

"And the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, so that you will love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live."

-Deuteronomy 30:6

As I walked through this process I found myself wondering, how much of my weight and health problems were my fault.  How could I do this and seemingly take the easy way out?  Here's the thing, when we talk about the sin in my life and my need for a Savior, my need for a circumcision of the heart, my sin is completely my fault.  My sin is my problem and I deserve hell for rebelling against my creator, the Holy God.  BUT GOD...He doesn't leave me in my sin, He sent Jesus to die in my place.  He took my punishment.  He took my heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh.

With my surgery, I felt like God gave me this as a picture of what I needed.  I have a lot of underlying health issues, health issues that I can't fix despite my efforts.  The same way I needed a righteousness from outside of myself to make me righteous, I needed health from outside of me.  I couldn't fix my health. I needed a circumcision of the stomach so to speak.  I needed a big part of it cut away so I could regain health.  I couldn't do it on my own.

Getting this surgery required humility to say, "I can't do this on my own.  I need help.  I need a health from outside of me to come cut away what I can not fix on my own."

Thank you, Jesus for a new heart and a new stomach.  You give me life, and health.  It all comes from you.  Thank you, Jesus.

Graduation and Confirmation

Do you ever second guess yourself?  Oh it's just me that does that!  Okay.  Well after the surgery I was doing some second guessing.  I lost weight on the thousand calorie pre-op diet. I thought to myself, my body actually can lose weight!  Woo Hoo!  So why am I having surgery?  I can do this myself right?

Well....  To be honest, that ship had already sailed.  I already had surgery.  There is no going back to find out if I could have done it or not.  But God graciously gave me some confirmations to reassure my heart.

Last Sunday, (at 9 days post-op) I decided to go to church with my family.  I didn't think I was cray at the moment, but perhaps I was.  My husband dropped me off at the door and my 8 y.o. got out of the car with me to carry my bag across the lobby.  By the time I got to where we check the kids into children's ministry my pain was so high I could barely speak.  I sat down for worship and then ended up moving to the lobby half way through the message because there was just no getting comfortable.  I also needed to eat, so I went out to eat the yogurt I packed with me.  The message was so helpful.  It reminded me of God's Sovereignty.  God is sovereign even over the decisions I made the week before. It was the comfort my heart needed.  Here is a link to the message if you're interested: Sovereign Over All.

Today, I had a second confirmation. At my post op appointment I learned that I was losing weight well.  I was also progressing well.  I could even graduate from liquids to purees!  That is super exciting because my diet has consisted of only: sugar-free yogurt, sugar-free pudding, broth (with added protein powder), strained cream based soups (reduced fat), and protein shakes.  Tonight - I had fluffy scrambled eggs.  Okay - it was only one egg and I couldn't eat the whole thing, but still, it was something new and being able to eat new things and progress is super exciting.

The confirmation came though when I was told that my liver biopsy showed cirrhosis and fibrosis.  The doctor showed me my progress and said, "this is what we want to see.  We want to see this kind of weight loss. You're doing great.  You don't feel your liver and people can get sicker and sicker and never know." Now because of the surgery, I know.  I have some blood work to do to find out if I have any autoimmune disease contributing to the Liver issues, but for now I'm doing the best thing I can for my liver: losing lots of weight.

I am down 24 lbs since November, 14 of the those pounds have been in these last 13 days since the surgery.  I am doing the best I can to rest, recover, and take care of myself.  I have been struggling with my health for many years.  I've tried many things to lose weight and stay healthy, but I never really had success.

I'm grateful for these confirmations and for the graduation to purees.  I pray that I would become healthy and have more energy to be the person God is calling me to be.

Surgery and the Liquid Diet

Today is Wednesday and my surgery was last Friday.  I am 5 days out.  I can hardly believe it.  Recovery has been a lot more painful that I had expected.  Apparently, some people go home from surgery the next day only taking Tylenol for pain.  Apparently, I am not those people.  Tylenol has a history of causing stomach distress for me, so that was out.  In the hospital, I tried two different pain medications, one medication I had a rough reaction to.  That means I only had one pain medication option that could only be taken every 4 hours, but only lasted about 2.  Instead of coming home on Saturday as planed I stayed an extra night and came home Sunday afternoon.

The pain was pretty intense.  I got stuck in bed twice where I could not get up without excruciating pain.   After 40 minutes of trying I texted my husband in the other room to get me up.  We've worked out a method where my "coughing pillow" goes over my incision and he bear hugs me up to a seated position.  A bear hug never felt so good.  It's like it holds me together. 

I've also learned that eating too fast is a BIG no no.  Last night I needed to take a calcium supplement.  I ate it a little too quickly and got air caught up beneath my rib and shooting up to my shoulder.  Lesson learned.

At this point, I'm just healing and resting and resting and healing.  I'm trying to hit all of my fluid and nutritional goals, but it does feel like there are not enough hours in the day.  Today is the first day I've been hungry.  My main things have been broth with added protein powder, protein shakes, and some yogurt.  I tried to make some cream of rice cereal with protein powder added, but that combo did not work well.  The protein powder was not having it.  I'm wondering if adding the vanilla powder to a fruity herbal tea would work, but I'm guessing because it is hot it would not mix well.

Emotionally, it doesn't feel like I actually did the surgery.  It feels like the surgery is a separate thing, something to heal from, but not actually weight loss surgery. It feels like what I'm eating is just a result of healing and not changes for life with a new stomach.  I feel like those things will hit later once the pain is gone. 

I know I'm healing little by little.  It will just take time.

T minus 4 days

Already off to a rough start with keeping up a blog, but truly I was in bed nearly the whole day yesterday.  I was sick.  I'm not sure what I have/had.  The doctor at urgent care didn't do a strep test, but he gave me a Z pack and the same time he gave my son an antibiotic.  He didn't do a strep test because one look at his throat said, "this kid needs an antibiotic."  I started on an antibiotic the same day after getting permission from the surgery resident on call. Then it truly hit me.  Rough. 

My throat hurt so bad the past two days that I didn't even make it to my 1,000 calories.  I only made it to 850 or so.  Today though, as I started to feel better I felt like I ran out of calories fast.  I still technically have 10 left.  I'm not sure if I'll just enjoy my hot tea and leave it at that or if I'll run back for two more pickles. 

My dinner was JUNK!  Isn't that funny?  I feel like I would have eaten healthier if I wasn't on this diet.  I had a 100 calorie pack of microwave popcorn, several servings of pickles, and some protein peanut butter puffs.  I didn't have enough calories for a real meal.  Oh well.  I stayed under and I'll manage it better tomorrow.  I think I was just super hungry after two days being well under 1,000, so I made up for it with breakfast and lunch today. Lesson learned.

I'm hoping that being sick doesn't prevent me from getting surgery on Friday.  By that point, I'll be through my antibiotic, so hopefully I'll be in tip top shape.  I'm also hoping my husband doesn't get sick.  I'd like him to be there when I wake up and be able to be with me while I walk around the wing and everything.  I know that I'll be on the same floor as organ transplant recipients though.  They'll have a compromised immune system and I don't want him to get anyone else sick.  I wonder if just a face mask would suffice? 

I've been losing a lot on this 1,000 calorie diet.  I think I'm down 8+ pounds in the past 7 days.  It makes me think, wait why are you getting surgery?  You can lose weight see?  Then I remember that a 1,000 calorie diet isn't sustainable.  That's the issue.  I can sometimes lose on extreme diets, but it's never sustainable.  It's nothing I can stay on for life, so here we are.

Hoping and praying that the surgery goes forward, everyone in my family is well, and the weather doesn't cause any issues as snow and sleet are in the forecast. 

Day Two - Pre-Op Diet

Today was Day Two of the Pre-Op diet. I can't say that it's going fabulously.  I have 57 (52 if you count that my supplements are 5 calories) left for the day and I am HUNGRY.  My blood sugar has been a bit of a mess.  I'm wondering if I need to stop my diabetes medication.  I just keep going too low and don't have the room to have more food to pull it up. We'll have to see how tomorrow goes.  I'll try to keep it more balanced.

Getting in the protein has been no problem and my water intake is going great, especially for me.  I have 8 oz bottles that I just chug, but it leaves me running to the ladies room getting this much water, but it's great for measuring. I've gotten in 32 oz of water and 8 oz of almond milk thus far today, so I only need 8 more ounces to meet my minimum (which is probably all my bladder can handle at this point).

So what is the pre-op diet?  It's a diet of 1,000 calories per day.  It's supposed to shrink the liver and make healing from the surgery better. And the basic rule of thumb from here on out is to aim for 60-80 grams of protein and 48-64 ounces of fluids, with half being water.

I also ordered my vitamins today.  Lord willing, they will arrive before my surgery. I went with Celebrate Vitamins.  I hope they taste okay.  I ordered their Multi Complete - 18 in Black Cherry and three kinds of calcium. The calcium types I ordered are: a Strawberry Banana Cream Soft Chew, a Chocolate Soft Chew, and a Cherry Tart chewable.  I figure that since I'll need to take 3 a day some variety would be nice.

Oh another thing is that my kids are sick and I'm wondering if I'm coming down with it.  I need to either get it NOW, so I can be over it before surgery day OR not get it at all.  Prayers are appreciated!

Update:
I finally got to the grocery store this evening to stock up on some low calorie foods.  For snack with those 57 calories I had left I had a few pickles, two maraschino cherries, and a few pieces of popcorn. No I'm not pregnant, just hungry with limited options.